I've been living in Alaska for nearly 2 months now. I thought moving out here would be this fantastic new adventure that I could embark on with my boyfriend. I thought that I was madly in love with boyfriend but it seems that the long drive out here (4700 miles), though beautiful, only happened to be the beginning of a series of stressful events. Since we have been here I have managed to become extremely stagnant, which I thought was never in my nature. I don't have a job, a car, or a direction to take my life in. I thought that continuing my education out here at the University of Alaska was going to be the answer, I thought I had finally discovered what I wanted to do with my life. But it appears that is not the case. College is expensive, much more than I can afford without being a resident first, at least that's what I keep telling myself. I have applied and the school tells me that there is a 100% acceptance policy - but does that mean its an amazing school or that is the only affordable school in the area? I'm not sure how to interpret that.
I have applied for a job and been interviewed and offered a job - but they do all these background checks up here which means I have to wait three weeks until I can even start... it just seems like there is one brick wall after another.
My boyfriend keeps telling me I am making excuses and when I tell him what I want to do with my life he doesn't believe me and says that it changes from one week to the next. I don't know, I just don't know.
During the day I sit here, in our apartment, cooking dinner, listening to music, surfing the internet, calling my friends.... desperately wanting something to occupy my time. Sometimes I go for walks around the neighborhood but I just can't seem to shake the idea that I shouldn't have come out here. It seems as though this whole situation is far too much trouble, at least more trouble than it's worth.
I can't stand fighting, can't stand constant arguing. I close off and become defensive when faced with criticism. I am the type of person who can apologize after I have reacted absurdly to a situation but if I feel the argument is unfair than I just don't know how to come back reality and snap out of my haze of frustration.
It is hard only knowing one person out here... I can talk to everyone back home everyday and still feel lonely.
It doesn't help that I feel like my boyfriend is pressuring me to make a decision - about staying, about school, about everything really. It's the first time in our relationship that I feel extremely pressured about everything - even sexually.
Where do I go from here?